How I Want To Die...

dirtydrew — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 03:40:00 GMT

How I want to die.

I know it's a pretty negative thought, but we all die one day and if I was to choose the way in which I die then I wouldn't choose the stereotypical "being chased by naked ladies until I fell off a cliff" or "drowning in a pool of chocolate milk".

I'd want to die after sitting in the passenger seat of a mat black Ford Capri going at 150mph down a dirty country road, a bottle of JD in one hand, a cigarette in my mouth and a bottle of pain killers in the other hand. In the back there'd be 2 (stupidly hot) hookers wearing about a handkerchiefs worth of clothing between them with breasts bigger than my head. And the music will be so loud that everyones ears will be bleeding, with tracks like "Ace of Spades" and "Back in Black" being played to the point that everyone within a five mile radius will be woken up.

The car would eventually spin out of control and crash, but from the moment of spinning out to the moment of crashing there'd be enough time for me to finish the bottle of JD, down all the pain killers, smoke every last cigarette, get a blowjob from both the hookers and listen to "Freebird" in its entirety before sticking a middle finger into the air and telling everyone to go *** themselves.

I'd die a happy man.

But that won't happen. I'll die in a hospital bed with tubes coursing through me like cheese and pineapple cocktail sticks through a 70's party. It'll be slow and thoroughly unpleasant. But, if you're reading this, then can you do me one favour?

When I die, come to my funeral and tell my family to play Freebird as I'm taken away. I may not have died in the happiest of ways, but at least everyone who came to my funeral will have known that "This Bird You Cannot Change."

...and no-one ever will.

Drew